Building Boys Bulletin 12-16-24
Don't worry, but...
Parenting kids today — particularly boys — is kind of a fearful endeavor, isn’t it?
We worry about their safety. About how they treat other people. About whether or not they’ll grown into decent men.
Those fears and worries influence our parenting choices and interactions with our boys, and to a certain degree, that’s healthy: We are not oblivious to danger, but actively trying to mitigate it.
And yet: So often, our fears are outsized and disproportional. Looking through the lens of our fear can obstruct our vision of reality too. Our worries can keep us from seeing the very great things about the very great (if sometimes annoying) boys right in front of us.
The older my boys get, the more I realize that focusing on everything that could go wrong is not helpful. It is much more productive to focus on what’s right, and to trust my boys and my parenting. (Note: I said “more productive.” I didn’t say easier!)
I spend a lot of time reassuring other parents that they (and their boys) are okay. Yes, homework may be a fight. Yes, he may talk back or yell at you. And yes, he may hole up in his room rather than spending time with family. That’s pretty normal — no cause for alarm.
I also work to inform parents and educators: I want them to know what’s going on with boys and young men, so they’re not caught off guard. That’s why I regularly share news articles, why Janet & I record ON BOYS podcast. My intent is to share knowledge and empower you. But I noticed a huge, over-riding theme while pulling together news articles for this week’s newsletter: they all stoke & provoke fear.
Check out the words they use: “dangerous,” “should worry,” “warning,” “be prepared.” And the topics! This week alone, we’re being warned about:
Bad habits & male infertility
A link between Discord (the game server/virtual community) & suicide
Muscle dysmorphia
Domestic abuse
The ‘Manosphere’
The disappearance of men from reading & writing
That’s a lot! And not one single positive story about boys, men, or parenting to balance things out either. I know this is how news works in the social media age. I know fear is powerful motivator; it gets people to click and influences their actions.
But I’m here to tell you that grounding your parenting (or life) in fear isn’t helpful or healthy. Push the noise aside and focus on your relationship with your son instead.
I still believe it’s helpful for us to know what’s going on in our boys’ world & in the world at large. Don’t let fear drive your parenting, though. Your relationship with your son is far more powerful than any outside influence.
Here’s to building boys!
Jennifer
IN THE NEWS
When Male Puberty Hits, Parents Need to be Prepared
Highlights:
Let boys know: “Erections can happen for no reason at all, and they can show up at the most unexpected times and places.”
“Boys who are uncircumcised…need to know that extra foreskin…is not abnormal…Parents can stress there is no need to get circumcised because of peer pressure.”
“Testicular cancer is the most common cancer in young men between 15 and 35. If we teach boys to get into the habit of doing monthly self-exams, we’re giving them an essential tool for saving their lives early on and protecting their long-term health.”
“It’s vital we encourage boys to focus on being the best version of themselves — not trying to live up to an impossible standard set by others.”
“Smoking, drug use, poor diet, obesity — these all can contribute to fertility issues later in life. That’s why it’s never too early to start teaching boys how their lifestyle choices can affect their reproductive health.” https://www.cnn.com/2024/12/03/health/male-puberty-wellness/index.html?sfnsn=mo
He Was Suicidal & Needed Help. A 15-Year-Old Girl Pushed Him to Kill Himself on a Livestream.
Highlights:
“The Post traced the suicide to the online community known as “764” and found that it was enabled by a messaging app the group has used to find victims halfway across the globe and lure them into closed, largely unmoderated spaces.”
“The FBI has said 764 — named for the first three numbers of the Zip code of the town in Texas where its founder lived — and its offshoots have targeted thousands of children in recent years, often persuading them to share nude photos and then extorting them into harming animals or themselves. In a warning late last year, the agency said the groups try to get their victims, many of whom have mental health issues, to kill themselves on camera…”
“Discord, a hub for gamers, is one of the most popular messaging platforms among teens and is growing fast.”
Gen Z’s Dangerous Quest for Gains
Highlights:
…’his muscles were growing faster than his bones’…The doctor explained to Eli that certain bodies aren’t made to be big, including his. To keep pushing himself to lift more weight wasn’t safe.“
“After Eli lifting regularly at 14, he began to like and follow more fitness content. Gradually, his social feeds changed from the skateboarders he had started following when he first got into social media at 13 to bodybuilders.”
“When researchers impersonated a 15-year-old boy and called 244 health food stores across the U.S. in 2017, they found that roughly 67 percent of sales attendants recommended buying and taking creatine. (Both the American Academy of Pediatrics and the American Medical Society state that kids under 18 should not take creatine.)”
“The reality is that no child—as in any person under the age of 18—needs muscle-building or weight-loss supplements…In these 13-, 14-, 15-year-old boys, they’re going to be maximizing their gains just by eating well, because they’re so new to weight training…They don’t need any other enhancement.’”
“You can actually get to really dangerous energy imbalances through excessive exercise.”
How to Tell if Your Kid Has Muscle Dysmorphia
Highlights:
“When your son or daughter says they want to start working out more, the question you may ask yourself is ‘How can I help?’…”But there’s another important question you may want to ask, too: ‘Why?’”
“Warning signs include when boys develop preoccupations or obsessions with their muscles, appearance, weight, food, or exercise in a way that worsens their quality of life and impairs their social, school, or daily functioning”
In My Hometown, I See Teenage Boys Being Pulled Toward Andrew Tate & the ‘Manosphere’
Highlights:
“Here were young Pakistani and Bangladeshi boys taking part in a community that includes many who openly despise them.”
“It’s easy to understand the appeal of these influencers, who pose as self-help gurus, speaking directly to insecure young men of all races seeking to live better lives…These young men quickly become enamoured of influencer lifestyles and seek to emulate them.”
The Disappearance of Literary Men Should Worry Everyone
Highlights:
“Male underrepresentation is an uncomfortable topic in a literary world otherwise highly attuned to such imbalances…the lack of concern about the fate of male writers was striking.”
“…reading fiction is also an excellent way to improve one’s emotional I.Q. Novels help us form our identities and understand our lives…This is why we need a more inclusive literary culture, one that will bring young men in from the cold.”
1 in 3 Domestic Abuse Victims is Male. Here’s Why We Need to Talk About Them.
Highlights:
“Framing domestic violence as a problem that is perpetrated by men because they are men, misses important details that simultaneously perpetuates and obscures the experiences of some victims.”
“A review of global estimates of adolescent dating violence has suggested that physical violence is experienced by 21% of youth regardless of gender. But it also found physical violence was more likely to be perpetrated by girls than boys (25% and 13% respectively). For sexual violence, teen boys were more likely to perpetrate than teen girls, and girls were more likely to be victims.”
“A recent analysis of domestic homicide reviews where victims were male, found that professionals regularly missed opportunities to intervene because of gender-based stereotypes.”
ON BOYS Podcast
Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World that Misunderstands Males makes a great holiday gift!
