How to Stem School Shootings, Community Violence, & the Male Suicide Rate

Let’s ensure each teenage boy has these 6 things

Yet another teenage boy has committed a mass shooting.

Yet again, we are horrified but not surprised. Absolutely no one was shocked to learn that the Georgia shooter was a 14-year-old boy.

Systemic changes are certainly needed to address the continuing scourges of school shootings, community violence and rising suicides. But systemic change takes time, political will, and financial investment. While we advocate for change, let’s act as well. Let’s each work, within our own homes, neighborhoods, schools, and communities, to ensure that all teenage boys have:

1. Empathy. How can we expect boys to show empathy for others when we fail to show them empathy? Teen boys need us to listen to them and see them – really see them – instead of assuming things about them simply because they are teenage boys. We must express curiosity about boys’ lives and respond with compassion and empathy, rather than judgment or scorn. We must learn to recognize boys’ anxiety and depression (which often manifest as anger and rage) and respond with care and comfort instead of annoyance and irritation.  

2. Encouragement. Over the last few years, we’ve spent a lot of time talking about what’s wrong with boys and men. Our boys need to know what’s right with them as well. Instead of focusing on all that’s wrong with your son or the boys in your neighborhood, focus on what’s right. Recognize, call out, and praise their gifts. Help them develop and channel their interests and talents. Connect them with adults who share their interests.

3. Hugs. Physical touch promotes social bonding and is critical for psychological well-being – and teen boys are perhaps the most touch-deprived humans in our society. When Texas educator Marcus Jackson recently offered a hug to a high school senior, a boy who’d made a serious mistake, the boy gratefully accepted the hug, cried on Dr. Jackson’s shoulder, later said, “No man ever hugged me before.”

Photo by August de Richelieu via Pexels

No boy should reach adulthood without experiencing affectionate, platonic touch. Lack of physical touch can lead to feelings of loneliness, isolation, and depression and may increase stress levels. Adolescent boys may shy away from hugs – a byproduct of their developmental drive for independence, lingering cultural homophobia, and boys’ desire to be accepted as men – but teen boys need healthy touch to thrive. Pats on the back, high fives, fist bumps, and hugs make a difference.

4. Healthy role models. If we want our boys to treat others with respect, we must treat them – and others – with respect. Our actions speak far louder than our words, so we need to model care, compassion, and healthy communication. We cannot realistically expect our boys to solve conflicts peacefully if our disagreements erupt into yelling, fighting, or violence. Boys need frequent exposure to (and interaction with) healthy adult role models of all genders. Teenage boys are looking for direction. Adult male role models are particularly important because boys often look to men for cues on how to successfully navigate the world.

5. A role. In years past, teenage boys were integral parts of the community. They worked on farms and in factories and defended freedom and liberty via service in the armed forces. Today, they are rarely viewed as assets; they’re considered problems instead.

Boys who do not have a meaningful role and responsibilities are much more likely to get into (and create) trouble than boys who know they have an important part to play in the community. Most boys desperately want to contribute to the well-being of the world, so help them find ways to use their skills and talents in the community.  

6. Acceptance. More than anything, teenage boys want reassurance that they’re okay, as is. They want, need, and deserve unconditional love and acceptance. They are still growing, changing, and maturing. We don’t have to accept antisocial behavior, but we must accept our boys as fellow humans. If we want our boys to grow into healthy, resilient men who know themselves and respect the emotions, needs, and boundaries of others, we must accept and love them unconditionally. We cannot withhold our love and care, metering it out only when they please us. We can hold boys responsible for their behavior while loving them as fellow humans.

7. Second Chances. Adults (and society at large) are statistically more likely to respond to boys’ mistakes with punishment rather than compassion. As child psychologists & authors Michael Thompson and Dan Kindlon wrote in their 1999 book, Raising Cain, “Whatever else it means to be a boy in our culture, it means that your actions are more likely to be misinterpreted as threatening or disobedient, that you are more likely than the girl next door to be punished or treated harshly.” We can – and should – hold boys accountable for their actions, but our boys need to know that we see the potential in them. They need us to believe in them  – to believe in their inherent worth and goodness – and they need us provide them with opportunities to learn and grow from their mistakes.

Yes, teenage girls need each of these things too. All humans do. But right now, it is our boys & young men who are most suffering from a lack of collective care. Too many boys and young men have not experienced empathy, encouragement, and acceptance. Too many don’t have a role or healthy role models. Too few get second chances.

As we push for change on a larger scale, let’s not overlook the immediate, everyday actions we can take to support the boys in our communities. Transformation begins at home, in our schools, and in our communities, one boy at a time.

Here’s to building boys!
Jennifer

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