Independence Day
Building Boys Bulletin 6-29-26
It’s almost Independence Day here in the United States.
On July 4, we celebrate our country’s independence — which is something many countries do, but as I write that, I realize it’s also a very American thing to do. We really value independence. Almost to a fault, I’d argue (given that humans are interdependent social creatures).
And yet, children and teens today have less independence and autonomy in years past.
I won’t dwell on that point; enough words have already been spread about helicopter parenting and intensive parenting and whatever else we’re calling it. Instead, I will challenge you to consider a few questions:
How has your son grown in independence over the past year? What things is he doing (and managing) independently that he wasn’t a year ago?
What’s one area in which he might be ready for more independence? Where can you let go a little bit and let him take charge?
In what small (or big) ways might you be unintentionally quashing his independence? And conversely — in which small ways might you be encouraging and supporting his independence, perhaps without even realizing it?
A Story of Independence
My all-time favorite Independence Day story happened 12 years ago, when my youngest son, now age 20, was just 8 years old. After our small town fireworks show (which is held near our local baseball field), he dragged himself around the bases. On his belly.
I didn’t interfere because
I was curious, trying to figure out what, exactly, he was doing (& why)
I was busy socializing with friends and family
He was my 4th child. (First-time mom me might’ve behaved very differently)
At the time, none of this felt like it had anything to do with independence or autonomy or my child’s growth. It was only afterward that I realized:
So often, we unconsciously interrupt or inhibit our son’s growth and development…But here’s the thing: growth is rarely a peaceful, straightforward endeavor. Growth is most often messy…
You cannot predict, much less know with any certainty, exactly what your son needs to grow. Your son doesn’t know either. He learns by doing, and sometimes the things he is moved to do seem to make no sense.
I didn’t interfere that night, and that night has become a cherish memory for me. It’s one I revisit and celebrate every 4th of July.
The kid-who-dragged-himself-around-the-bases is now a 20-year-old business owner. With 3 employees and a bright future. His success, of course, has a lot more to do with him than with me.
But if I look back, I can see, in that 8-year-old, crawling between bases, the seeds that allowed him to blossom into a business owner. The same drive, persistence, and determination to complete something that’s important to him, regardless of what everyone else is doing. And I see that the room we gave him to test and build his independence helped him flourish, both then and now.
So, I ask you again:
How has your son grown in independence over the past year?
What’s one area in which he might be ready for more independence?
What seemingly small things can you do to support his burgeoning independence?
Happy Independence Day to all who celebrate .
Here’s to building boys!
Jen
P.S. In case you missed it — Kate Mangino & I recently had a great conversation on her Substack, Gender (In)Equality, about how we parents of boys are raising the next generation of equal partners.
IN THE NEWS
Yes, 10 is Old Enough for the Manosphere Talk
Highlights:
“It’s better to read questionable stuff together and ask simple questions: What is this trying to make me feel? What does it want me to do? Could it ever be proven wrong?”
“If kids hear you say, ‘Wow, that headline really got me worked up—let me slow down,’ they learn that critical thinking isn’t about never getting pulled in. It’s about noticing the pull before you follow it.”
How Parents Can Talk to Their Kids About Vaping as the FDA Authorizes Some Flavored E-Cigarettes
Highlights:
“…because I was addicted to nicotine, when I didn’t have it, I’d be anxious and really couldn’t focus”
“Vaping also sapped his stamina, made it harder to sleep, worsened his asthma and compromised his performance as a football player and wrestler.”
“Like Ricky, most middle and high school students who vape want to quit”
“Parents can help them by first seeing their doctor, who can connect them with counseling or free text-message quit programs for young people. For kids who vape heavily…doctors may consider medications like Chantix or nicotine replacement therapy as part of a supervised quitting plan.”
Highlights:
“The Good Egg Dad takes genuine pride in who his son is becoming, not just in whether his son is becoming him.”
“A father’s support is essential for adolescent boys to develop self-worth, make social adjustments, and build the confidence to navigate the world.”
Young Men Need Compassion When Engaging with Healthcare Providers
Highlights:
“Young men often experience significant fear and shame when approaching help‑seeking.”
“Compassion is an important tool when working with young men because internally, they are likely experiencing feelings of shame and fear of judgement.”
“Approaching young men with curiosity, patience and compassion may be one of the most effective ways to improve engagement.”
Young Black Men are Now Dying by Suicide at a Historic Rate
Highlights:
“Black boys and young men ages 16 to 29 are dying by suicide at a rate that is higher than white boys and young men”
“Firearms remain the leading cause of suicide death among young people, accounting for more than half of youth suicides.”
Highlights:
“When young males grow up seeing weak wages and high unemployment among the men around them, they form pessimistic expectations about their own prospects later in life”
“It is the labor market environment men grow up in, more than what they observe as adults, that shapes their later participation”
This resonates. I mentor boys in Philadelphia, and the growth I see almost always comes from the moments we step back and let them take charge, not the moments we manage them. Exposure plus room to run.