Perspectives on Parenting Boys
Building Boys Bulletin 5-5-25
You’ve heard the old saying about missing the forest for the trees.
That’s a really easy thing to do while parenting. It is so easy to hyperfocus on the current crisis du jour and lose sight of the bigger picture. Been there, done that! And I can tell you: It’s not all the helpful. I mean, yes, focus is needed to address problems, but sometimes (more often than you think, in fact), if you pull back and look at the big picture, you’ll see that the crisis isn’t as big or insurmountable as it first seemed.
One of the best ways I’ve found to gain that much-needed perspective is by talking with parents who are a few years ahead on the journey—especially those who’ve raised boys. Because they’ve already lived through (and survived!) the stage I’m worried about, they can provide realistic insights, tried-and-true ideas, and a sense of how important this particular problem is in the grand scheme of things. My friend Sue — who has two sons just a few years older than my oldest — was often the person for me.
This week, you have 2 opportunities to to tap into the perspective and wisdom of experience “boy parents:”
My (first) Substack Live, with Meagan Francis, author of The Last Parenting Book You’ll Ever Need: How We Let Our Kids Go & Embrace What’s Next. Between us, Meagan and I have raised 8 boys to manhood. (Meagan also has a teenage daughter.) Our oldest sons were both born in 1997, which means we parented boys thru the MeToo movement and the rise of social media, before society collectively realized that boys might be struggling. We’ll be LIVE on Tuesday morning, May 6, from about 11 am - 11:15 AM ET.
Boost Boys’ Motivation also starts on Tuesday May 6! Our first session, From Apathy to Achievement: Why Boys Don’t Seem to Care, starts at 1 pm ET and yes, you can still join. (Click here to register.)
One thing you’ll notice, talking to experienced parents: There’s no “right way.” There is no straight path, no simple equation, and lots of different ways to achieve the same goal. You can see that in the news articles linked below (and over the last few weeks) too. Some parents loved the TV series Adolescence; others had much more negative feelings.
I personally learn a lot when I consider alternative perspectives and approaches, & I hope you value these varying voices as well.
Here’s to building boys!
Jen
IN THE NEWS
What Parents of Boys Should Know
Highlights:
“Sons need the same nurturing that many parents so naturally bestow on daughters: time, conversation, patience, and affection. In fact, they might need it more.”
“Studies indicate that boys may be especially sensitive to the quality of early caregiving—an argument to both increase social support for families and resist dubious assumptions that boys do not require substantial affectionate nurturing.”
“Even the most sensitive parenting can’t fully insulate boys from the cultural forces that equate masculinity with stoicism, dominance, and economic power—pressures that can shape male identity across class lines, and that can have societal reverberations.”
Netflix’s Adolescence Shatters the Myth of the Emotionless Boys — So Why Are We Still Teaching It?
Highlights:
“Boys, especially ones who seem functional, are expected to be strong, steady, and self-contained, to keep it together. And when they do, no one thinks to look closer.”
“Boys have feelings. Deep ones. But most of them don’t feel safe expressing those feelings, especially in spaces where masculinity is tied to toughness, stoicism, or detachment.”
“Unfortunately, the belief that boys are just naturally less emotional continues to persist, even though it’s more cultural than biological.”
Netflix Series Adolescence Left Me Sad & Mad as a Mother of Boys
Highlights:
“Boys like Jamie do exist, but the data doesn't support it as a widespread trend.”
“The best antidote to toxic masculinity isn't to ban incel culture or to show boys what's wrong with men like Tate. We must offer an alternative − a picture of healthy masculinity for boys to emulate.”
I’m Tired of How Progressives Treat Boys Like Mine
Highlight:
“As a mom of two boys, including one who is now 18, I'm tired of seeing teachers, school administrators and society in general treat boys with disdain”
How to Help Your Kid Find Their Spark
Highlights:
“Vicente loves to cook. That’s led him to delve into product development, put himself out there and take feedback and use it to improve his work. He’s learned to fundraise, and innovate, including when obstacles arise (that daunting $2,000 bill). He’s learned that cooking makes him happy. Finally, he’s experienced the thrill of accomplishment from putting in the hours. This is all life skills gold.”
“Notice your kids spark, wherever it might come. Talk to them about it, find ways for them to do more of it.”
“In an age of GenAI where motivation will matter a lot when technology can do so much, it will not be a nice-to-have, but an essential skill for thriving.”
ON BOYS Podcast
Unlocking Motivation: How to Help Your Son Find His Spark
I loved this reminder about seeing the forest for the trees. So simple and obvious but as you say, it’s easy to get caught up in the details of a daily issue and forget things like, in the big picture, I have before me a lovely, lovable, kind, sensitive young man who’s trying to do his best and wants to do right. I sometimes forget that (even though others keep telling me!).
This perspective is so on target, Jennifer. I wish I could go back to my former self and tell her to quit worrying about all of the things that I thought could go wrong in the moment. Maintaining connections with parents of kids slightly older than the ones we're preoccupied with is great advice!