Building Boys Bulletin 11-4-24
Defending "boy moms." Again.
A mom of a boy is, by definition, a “boy mom.” And parenting a boy is a different experience than parenting a girl because society treats boys and girls differently whether we, the parents, claim the title of “boy parent” or not.
That’s not a popular opinion. The backlash against the title “boy mom” began a few months ago and has not let up, as evidenced by a recent Guardian article entitled Don’t '‘boy mum” me. These stereotypes around raising children do enormous harm.
In the article, the author — a mother of a two-year-old son — strongly implies that parents’ differential (and stereotypical) treatment of boys and girls is harmful to children. I don’t think she’s entirely wrong about that; we parents (like all humans) have unconsious biases, and study after study has shown that adults interact with babies differently when they are dressed and identified as female vs. male. Like the author, I believe that all children deserve ample time to play outside, to run and be loud, and to learn and develop emotional control and empathy.
Unlike the author, I have 25+ years of parenting experience and I can tell you that it’s overly simplistic to say (as the article’s subhead does) that “it’s parents who turn small differences into big ones.”
And I can also tell her (and you) that whether you choose to identify as a “boy parent” or not, your experience of parenting will be affected by the fact that’s he’s boy. Testosterone will affect his brain, body, and behavior. Social expectations for males will affect your son’s experience in the world. And all of that means that your experience of parenting a male child is more likely to incude:
Problems at school
Pressure to both adhere to and reject stereotypical masculine activites, behaviors, and norms
Assumptions of negative intent and ill will
than parenting a female child.
For those of us who use it, the term “boy mom” is a neat, simple, 2-syllable to way to convey all of that. Parenting a boy in this society IS different than parenting a girl or a non-binary child. Ignoring that very real fact of life doesn’t do us any good. In fact, I’d argue that doing so encourages us to suppress and not discuss the unique challenges and joys of our journey.
I am the mother of sons. I am a “boy mom” — a mother of male offspring, who continues to help them navigate the world. I wear the title Boy Mom proudly, and I encourage you to do the same.
Here’s to building boys!
Jennifer
IN THE NEWS
Can AI Be Blamed for a Teen’s Suicide?
Highlights:
“Sewell knew that ‘Dany,’ as he called the chatbot, wasn’t a real person…but he developed an emotional attachment anyway. He texted the bot constantly, updating it dozens of times a day on his life and engaging in long role-playing dialogues.”
“There is now a booming, largely unregulated industry of A.I. companionship apps…Many of these apps are designed to simulate girlfriends, boyfriends and other intimate relationships, and some market themselves as a way of combating the so-called loneliness epidemic.”
“A.I. companionship apps can provide harmless entertainment or even offer limited forms of emotional support…But claims about the mental health effects of these tools are largely unproven”
“For some users, A.I. companions may actually worsen isolation, by replacing human relationships with artificial ones. Struggling teens could use them in place of therapy or asking a parent or trusted adult for support.”
Suicide-Related Emergencies Underdetected Among Minority, Male Youth, and Pre-Teens
Highlights:
“A new study by UCLA Health reveals that hospital emergency departments may be missing signs of suicidal thoughts and behaviors in children, boys and Black and Hispanic youth.”
“Standard medical record surveillance methods miss youth with suicide-related emergencies.”
“Boys were also less detected than females, which Edgcomb said is a problem given that men die by suicide four times more often than women.”
Boys Will Be ____: The Online Lives of Boys Who are Embracing Positive Masculinity (a great report by our friends at Next Gen Men!)
Highlights:
“Online presence may strengthen relationships amongst adolescents, particularly with boys who experience challenges being vulnerable.”
“It does boys a disservice to underestimate their desire and capacity for meaningful relationships.”
“Only 16% of boys in our survey could say that cyberbullying hadn’t touched their lives..Less than half of them (45%) could say that their body image hadn’t been negatively impacted by content online.”
“If adolescent boys witness homophobic slurs while playing a video game that they already have to fight their parents just to be allowed to play, who can they discuss that with?”
“Educators should also not take for granted that what happens at school is by far the greatest source of stress in most boys’ lives.”
“Thoughtful and nonjudgmental conversation will always outweigh control and surveillance in supporting boys’ positive development.”
ON BOYS Podcast — Oct. 24 episode
ON BOYS Podcast — Oct. 31 episode
Janet & Jen on Life & Raising Boys
I am a LOUD AND PROUD Boy Mom. And I'm trying SO HARD to encourage my son to share his feelings and that being silent does NOTHING. Take for example, this morning. I asked him whether he was okay with ABJ (almond butter and jam) toast for breakfast. He said yes. I made him ABJ, which he barely touched. I asked if he was hungry (I knew he was. I mean, he's a 6 year old boy!) or feeling sick. He said no. Then, I asked something else, I asked him if he wanted a slice of cheese. He said yes (when he doesn't want to eat, I'll always give him that as an alternative. It's a test to see if he really IS full). So yep, a slice of cheddar it was. And he ate the whole thing. Should I have given him a choice ("grilled" cheese (technically, it's cheese melted on a slice of sandwich bread, done in the toaster oven. It's how my mom made it and my mom called it "grilled cheese")? Sure. But I didn't do that this morning because we were in a hurry. He likes to please people, so he doesn't use his voice too much. He's lucky so far not to have been a victim to a bully. But he's also one of the popular kids in class.....
I am a LOUD and PROUD BOY MOM of a 6 year old bc to me it means I have a responsibility, that I lovingly take VERY seriously, to ensure I do everything in my power to raise a boy who, when he becomes a man, will NEVER be the guy who makes a woman feel unsafe. If all moms of boys took their role seriously we would have the power to raise a generation of kind, respectful, thoughtful, and emotionally intelligent young men. Yes, in the world we live in girls must be raised to be strong but we boy moms have the opportunity to shift our society so that girls don’t have to learn to protect themselves bc the boys we BOY MOMS raise could be the first generation that don’t make women feel unsafe. Maybe it’s a pipe-dream but I am nonetheless unwavering in my commitment.