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Building Boys Bulletin 2-17-25

I did not expect to love an article titled The Boys Aren’t in Crisis.

I’ve spent far too much time with and around boys, talking to “boy experts”, and swimming in the data quantifying all of the very really challenges facing our boys & young men.

But the article starts like this:

IT WAS A typical start to a typical math class in my fourth-grade room: My students had returned from lunch along with the cafeteria teacher, who needed to speak to me; three of my boys, habitual offenders of lunchroom volume and behavior rules, had done it again. At the same time, two students from the neighboring class ran up to complain that one of my students (a boy) had been sprinting down the hall. Yet another boy reported a classmate (a boy) for turning off the bathroom lights. I put out these little fires while ushering everyone into the room; we had to start math; the clock was ticking. Instead of following our established math routine (bring your whiteboard and marker to the carpet), two boys decided they would rather trade Pokémon cards. Another, tugging his things from his messy desk, caused its contents to vomit onto the floor…

Yep. That sounds about right. This article does not come from a place of ignorance.

It’s written, in fact, by a 4th grade math teacher who is male.

He writes:

I did some dumb shit as a boy. My guy friends and I used to hop in random swimming pools, throw snowballs at cop cars from the woods, light fireworks in mailboxes. If you didn’t know that boys’ brains develop more slowly than girls’ brains, now you know. According to some studies, we mature about a year behind girls (see above), our judgment mechanisms take some priming before they kick in (see above), and we are less likely to exhibit self-regulation (see above).

That is an important POV. Especially for moms-of-boys, who tend to freak out & assume the boys who do that stuff are on their way to becoming sociopaths and criminals. (Trust me: I know. I have 4 sons, remember?) But moms, I am here — on the other side of my boys’ adolescence — to affirm the truth of his words. Males do indeed mature more slowly than females. And also: Just about every “great guy” you know today did some stupid shit as a boy.

Lesson #1: Do not judge boys based on their behavior.

Lesson #2: Do not attempt to predict boys’ future based on their childhood behavior.

Back to the article I expected to hate…

Broaden your view

The author/teacher writes:

From my view at the front of the class, the boys are absolutely a disorganized, rambunctious, distractible hot mess. But when I take a step back, I see the boys enthusiastically contributing to our reading discussions about character and theme. I see them learning how to multiply and divide, and plan their personal essays, and make friends, and cooperate productively in their science partnerships. In other words, I see them doing everything we expect and hope fourth graders to be doing. The boys, in my professional opinion, are doing just fine.

Perhaps because this particular teacher was once a boy himself, he can look beyond the boys’ behavior & see all the things they’re doing right: contributing, learning, cooperating, and making friends.

A lot of educators and parents can’t. We get so distracted by and worried about the behavior that we hyper-focus on it. We see a problem and focus our attention there. We spend our time trying to “fix it,” trying to make the boy presentable/acceptable to modern society.

Our concern is well-intended. We moms and female teachers know, perhaps better than anyone, that “boys will be boys” isn’t an acceptable excuse for poor, rude, inconsiderate, sexist, racist, or otherwise horrible behavior. We know that social norms are shifting, and we know that boys and men are perfectly capable of developing self-control and expressing consideration.

Go back to that last sentence for a moment. Notice how I wrote “perfectly capable of developing self-control…” rather than “perfectly capable of self-control and…”? That’s because 20+ years’ of experience and research have taught me that 4th grade boys and 14-yr-old boys are not yet “perfectly capable” of self-control and expression.

Lessons #3 & 4: Give ‘em grace. And time.

As a former boy, the article author/teacher knows that the disorganized boys in his class will likely be A-OK. He knows that punishing boys for their developmentally-appropriate immaturity won’t help and instead gives his students reminders, helps them develop an emotional vocabulary, and shows them how to make amends.

That’s the kind of teacher I want for my boys. And yours. He writes,

Instead of putting our messy, rambunctious boys on a disciplinary pathway, what if we teachers, administrators, and parents acknowledged that boys take a little longer to figure things out, settle down, get their shit together?

Here’s to building boys!
Jennifer

P.S. If you enjoyed this newsletter, will you please share it with a friend?

IN THE NEWS

The Boys Aren’t in Crisis. Worry About These Kids Instead.

Highlights:

• “As a society, we’re broadening our understanding of gender, acknowledging that every kid doesn’t fit neatly into a ‘boy’ or ‘girl’ box. And yet, traditional gender behaviors overwhelmingly endure in my classroom. Whether the cause is biological or social, I don’t know, but what I see is clear: The kids born with XY chromosomes are the disruptive, slightly feral, slightly delinquent kids. The kids born with XX chromosomes are not.”

• “Could the ‘boys’ crisis’ have less to do with family and more to do with poverty?”

• “As a teacher, I try to check my gender bias. When I’m exasperated with my boys, ready to call the office, I try to pause. I’ll give the boys extra reminders and transition time. I use restorative justice when conflict occurs, to help kids build an emotional vocabulary and learn to make amends. These things help all kids, but they seem to really help boys.”

• “Instead of putting our messy, rambunctious boys on a disciplinary pathway, what if we teachers, administrators, and parents acknowledged that boys take a little longer to figure things out, settle down, get their shit together?”

• “The boys—the girls, all the kids—not all of them are alright, but they can be. That choice, as always, is up to us, the adults in the room.”

My Teenager Can Finally Get a Driver’s License. He’s Not Remotely Interested.

Highlights:

• “After considerable research, I support his decision not to get a license. There are so many reasons we have both decided it's best for him to wait — one of those rare occasions where my teen and I are on the same page.”

• “He has said he prefers I teach him when he's ready to learn”

• “Most people know generally that it's quite expensive to add a teenager to their auto insurance policy, but teen boys cost more to insure than teen girls…I called my insurance provider to inquire about a quote and was told that adding my kid to the policy as a driver would double my rates.”

• Yes, it's more of a pain in my ass to drive him everywhere, but it's saving me a lot of money and a lot of stress.”

Football, But Make It More Dangerous

Highlights:

• “ Around one in five Americans now has a sports betting app on their phone, including four in ten young men.”

• “The NCAA found that 60 percent of young men on college campuses are now betting on sports.”

• “The corrosive effect of all this on Americans — particularly the young men who are aggressively targeted by online sportsbooks — is only getting worse.”

Why Black History Matters for All Men’s Mental Health

Highlights:

• “There are many misconceptions about men’s and boys’ mental health, but perhaps the most pervasive is the belief that they experience behavioral problems rather than mental health challenges. This misconception leads to a damaging cycle where men and boys are more likely to be punished for their struggles rather than supported in addressing them.”

• “Instead of recognizing the underlying emotional distress, anxiety, or depression that may manifest as aggression, withdrawal, or risk-taking behaviors, society often responds with disciplinary action rather than therapeutic intervention. This not only reinforces stigma but also prevents many from seeking or receiving the mental health care they need.”

• “Just as true strength for men and boys comes from finding community, resisting isolation, and seeking support, strength in 2025 and the years to come will require seeking allies, building coalitions, and engaging in good-faith conversations.”

• “The reasons why we must pay attention to the mental health of men and boys are the same reasons why we must pay attention to Black History Month—because ignoring either leads to despair, desperation, and decline.”

Stop Calling the Smartphone Generation Damaged Goods

Highlights:

• “The problems are more complex than just phones. And Haidt’s solution, a four-point plan to regulate and restrict phones and a call for more free play—too often comes wrapped in corrosive and harmful language that makes both parents and kids feel like shit.”

• “Taking their phones away…does not fill the gap left by the disengagement crisis and the world feeling broken and will not make them feel capable and motivated.”

3 Ways to Protect Children From the Romeo & Juliet Effect

Highlights:

• “Approach their choices with empathy and curiosity. Allowing them to reflect on how their relationship dynamics make them feel—while reminding them that you’re always there for them—is more effective than a stern confrontation about “what they’re doing wrong.”

• “Unless it’s physically or emotionally dangerous, the best thing you can do is to allow them the dignity of their choice. Let the relationship play out, and do your best to support them along the way.”

• “Whether you agree with their relationship or not, communicate with them in a way that shows them they can always talk to you.”

• “Rather than asking questions like ‘Why are you even with this person?’ try asking, ‘What do you enjoy about your relationship?’”

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