My Summer Success Equation

Building Boys Bulletin 6-23-25

Worried about how your son is spending his summer vacation?

Relax. The things you think are a “waste of time” may be helping him prepare for his future.

Photo by Kampus Production via Pexels

Consider this:

World of Warcraft (WOW) helped Alfred Jay Iloreta, MD, become a better head and neck surgeon.

…First-person shooter games were among his favorites. He also loved complex strategy games, like WOW, a massive multiplayer online role-playing video game, and Civilization, a turn-based adventure where players lead a civilization from ancient times to the modern era through exploration, diplomacy, and conquest.

He knew those games challenged his brain, but at the time, he didn’t know that he was also building essential surgical skills like hand–eye coordination, visual–spatial perception, situational awareness, and decision-making under pressure. He also didn’t know that he’d one day use modified video game controllers to perform minimally invasive procedures—or don a virtual reality gaming headset to plan surgeries.

“The crossover skillset I got from video games is invaluable,” said Dr. Iloreta, an assistant professor of otolaryngology, neurosurgery, artificial intelligence, and human health at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York. “I’m an endoscopic skull-based surgeon; I operate nearly universally on a camera and screen, in a very complex three-dimensional space, using instruments with joystick-like controllers.”

You can read more in my latest ENT Today article, From Video Game Controllers to ORs: The Surprising Role of Gaming in Modern Medical Practices.

Adults misjudge the utility of kids’ interests

I wrote that article months ago but stumbled across it online today, shortly after reading a Substack Note by a fellow writer concerned about all the kids she saw gaming & on devices at her local library. What will become of these kids, she wondered?

I responded, in part: “They will code video games and apps, communicate & collaborate digitally with humans all around the world, figure out new & innovative uses for AI, and perhaps discover & create new ways to connect…”

It’s an optimistic assessment, to be sure. And almost certainly, not all of those kids will code, work in tech, or lead digital innovations. But many of them WILL, simply by virtue of the fact that the world is moving in that direction.

Adults have long misjudged the utility of kids’ interests & how they spend/“waste” their time. But who are we to say we know, with any kind of certainty, how a child (or any human) should spend their time? Who are we to discount the child’s intuition, interest, and self-knowledge? Or the fact that we really don’t know what the world will be like 20 years from now?

My years of homeschooling & closely observing children taught me two things:

1. An interest in anything can lead anywhere. Start with butterflies; end up learning about geography. Play WoW; perform surgery. One thing often leads to the next in ways we can’t see at the beginning.

2. When a child is deeply interested in & engaged with something, they are getting something out of it. I may not see or know what it is, but whatever they are doing, it is feeding something in them in some way.

Summer Success Equation: Benign Neglect + Interests + Work

The New York Times appears to have recently endorsed the idea of “kid rotting” this summer. I hate the term— because “rot” something to avoid and the result of neglect. And because what they term as “kid rotting” (“weeks of unplanned time” in lieu of “high-intensity camps & activities”) is pretty much just “summer” and “normal life” around here.

I know this time of year is hard for working parents. I know we’re all simply trying to survive. So let me help. Use my summer success equation, borne of desperation & lack of resources:

Benign Neglect + Interests + Work = Summer Success

I’ll break it down for you:

• Benign Neglect — Do what you gotta do for yourself (work, for instance). Let go of the idea that you are 100% responsible for scheduling your kids’ days. Lower your standards. Give your kids time and space to do…whatever.

• Interests — Support & facilitate your kids’ interests. Get them books or supplies as needed. Accept messes (and teach them how to clean up). Say yes more than you say no — even if the “yes” makes you a bit nervous. Real life example: I routinely dropped off kids at a body of water for hours of unattended fishing. (The kids had life jackets & cell phones & were not alone. They were also experienced enough to fish safely independently.) Chapter 5 of my book Building Boys, Help Him Find & Develop His Talents, includes a lot more detail & concrete ideas for support boys’ interests.

• Work — The best way to “prepare kids for the real world” is to involve them in the real world as they grow. Let your kids contribute to the work of the house and family. They can cook, clean, and care. They can fix, maintain, and organize. Pro tip: Kids are more likely to be enthusiastic about tasks that align with their interests and are just beyond their current skill set. (Also: complaining about routine, boring tasks is normal. Calmly ignore the complaining & remind them that everyone in a household has to contribute to it’s upkeep.) You can learn more in Chapter 7 of Building Boys, Challenge Him with Chores & Caregiving, & in Chapter 10, Connect Him to the Real World.

Will this equation ensure summer peace & harmony? No. Will it support your kids’ development? Absolutely! Although I stumbled on this equation via a lack of other options, research and science has shown that this approach supports autonomy, skill development, and confidence.

So, stop fighting about video gaming. Relax your expectations, embrace your kids’ interests, involve them in the life & work of the family, & have a good summer!

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

IN THE NEWS

Research Shows Family Movies Stereotype Males as Predators & Females as Vulnerable Prey

Highlights:

• A study analyzed nearly 1,900 animal characters from animated children's films: “Even after accounting for an existing bias—where about 75% of all characters were male— it was found that 85% of predator characters were male. In contrast, for female characters, prey outnumbered predators four to one.”

• "In the animal world, a predator is no more likely to be a male than female”

Like, Follow, Subscribe: The Digital Narratives Reshaping Young Men’s Ideas About Relationships

Highlights:

• “Unlike previous generations who learned about partnerships through family, friends, and direct experience, today's young men increasingly turn to podcasts, social media influencers and online communities for guidance on dating, masculinity, and gender roles.”

• “Digital ecosystems are full of contradictions that create confusion… A young man might watch one video encouraging him to share his feelings openly, then immediately see another claiming that emotional expression makes men weak and unattractive.”

• “Research found that 67% of young men who consume social media masculinity influencer content believe women should fulfill traditional roles as wives and mothers - compared to just 43% of non-viewers.”

• “Young men tell us they want credible dating and relationship information but struggle to find sources that combine this credibility and relatability.”

Centuries-Old Preference for Baby Boys May Be Coming to an End

Highlights:

• “Baby boys are increasingly viewed as a burden and girls as a boon”

• “Experts have suggested several reasons. Daughters may now be perceived as more nurturing or easier to raise. In China, where male surpluses have created legions of unmarried men, parents may now fear loneliness for their sons.”

The Forgotten Power of Unsupervised Play

Highlights:

• “Boys often learn by doing, not by being told. Unsupervised play lets them test, fail, adjust, and master challenges on their own terms.”

• “Boys in particular benefit from this rule-making process—they’re not just playing a game, they’re creating social order and testing fairness, leadership, and strategy.”

• “Boys are less likely than girls to engage in emotional check-ins or group conversations. But they do sort out status, fairness, and inclusion through physical and active play”

• “If we want to raise boys who are confident, connected, and emotionally resilient, then we need to stop managing their play—and start protecting it.

With Men Abandoning Teaching, What’s the Cost to Boys?

Highlights:

• “Male teachers were a third of the teaching population in 1988…[Now,] only 23 percent of teachers in K–12 public schools are male”

• “Many of my [male] students arrived with poor grades and a list of demerits and suspensions they’d previously received. Despite this, I found that what they often needed was attention, approval, and affirmation.”

• “Because there are fewer male teachers, boys are experiencing fewer positive interactions with men…It is increasingly likely that many boys will go through years of education without one compliment from a male teacher.”

One Dad’s Powerful Response to His Son’s Anger is Teaching a Lesson Every Parent Should Hear

Highlights:

• “In a culture where we are actively rethinking how to raise emotionally resilient children, Aaron’s quiet but powerful parenting stands as a reminder: boys don’t need to be hardened; they need to be heard.”

• “Discipline can be rooted in love. Masculinity can embrace vulnerability.”

Our Schools Have a “Boy Problem” & We Need to Talk About It

Highlights:

• “The most notable goal was boosting early literacy…It was a noble goal, but [then] President Bush and the governors overlooked a small but important detail: Girls are ready for early literacy challenges, but boys are not.”

• “Boys get thrown horribly off-track by confusing social cues. Are we supposed to be muscle-bound Jason Stathams, mowing down bad guys with punches and kicks, or sensitive Alan Aldas, whispering soothing life lessons to the ladies in his life?”

“You’ve Got to Be Ripped”

Highlights:

• “Gender stereotypes make it that much harder to recognize when boys and men are struggling in their relationship to food, exercise, or their body.”

• “While most parents would hear alarm bells if their teen daughter started taking diet pills and following a rigid exercise regimen, many wouldn’t raise an eyebrow if their son started using supplement powders and spending hours at the gym.”

  “Disordered behaviors—like ‘bulking and cutting,’ having ‘cheat days,’ and (non-religious) fasting—are the norm among many adolescent boys.”

• “It’s not just parents and coaches who don’t notice red flags in boys. Even doctors can miss—or even dismiss—glaring symptoms”

• “Because stereotypes and stigma lead to delayed diagnoses, boys and men tend to be so much sicker when they do finally get treatment.”

• “For parents who want to protect their sons, the most important first step is having this awareness that boys can struggle with eating and negative body image.”

• “If your gut tells you something doesn’t seem right with your son, listen—and get support.”