With the older (16) I've been using "What is your plan for X?" The answer insures me that there IS a plan (for my peace of mind), and forces him to both have a plan and articulate it. I normally follow up with questions like "do you need any support from me?" and/or "Can I check back at X time or on Y date to make sure everything is on track?" ...results are mixed, but it's way better than micromanaging, which goes 100% against the grain for me, and he hates...
The younger one (10) gets a written list of tasks than must be done before a certain time (dinner, basketball practice, leaving for school) or reward (normally screen-time). He can do anything else he wants before/during the time he's working through the list (including just stare into space, which he can do for a shockingly long time...), but it has to be finished before the deadline arrives or reward is available. Again, not perfect, but way better than nagging...
Sounds like you're doing a great job! One of the other things Stephen talked about in our interview is that trust can and should include accountability. It's turning over the responsibility for the task, but with check ins, and he said it's even better if the person trusted with the task leads the check-ins. (Of course, he was talking about adults & business, not teens, so adapt as needed, but I think the broad point remains: Agree on some scheduled check in points, and then let/encourage the trusted person to share where they're at, what's going well, what they're struggling w, etc. This is where our response & attitude comes in too: We gotta go our best to respond as coaches, rather than taskmasters. We gotta control our own attitude and offer support, encouragement, and coaching as best we can)
The line that trust is earned but also given is the whole thing. I run group mentoring for boys at KB Foundation in Philadelphia, and I watch this exact cycle with parents and with new mentors. The boys who grow fastest are the ones an adult trusted slightly before they had proven it. The car story is not negligent parenting, it is the most efficient teacher your son could have hired, and it cost him half a used car.
This is both very true and very hard.
With the older (16) I've been using "What is your plan for X?" The answer insures me that there IS a plan (for my peace of mind), and forces him to both have a plan and articulate it. I normally follow up with questions like "do you need any support from me?" and/or "Can I check back at X time or on Y date to make sure everything is on track?" ...results are mixed, but it's way better than micromanaging, which goes 100% against the grain for me, and he hates...
The younger one (10) gets a written list of tasks than must be done before a certain time (dinner, basketball practice, leaving for school) or reward (normally screen-time). He can do anything else he wants before/during the time he's working through the list (including just stare into space, which he can do for a shockingly long time...), but it has to be finished before the deadline arrives or reward is available. Again, not perfect, but way better than nagging...
Sounds like you're doing a great job! One of the other things Stephen talked about in our interview is that trust can and should include accountability. It's turning over the responsibility for the task, but with check ins, and he said it's even better if the person trusted with the task leads the check-ins. (Of course, he was talking about adults & business, not teens, so adapt as needed, but I think the broad point remains: Agree on some scheduled check in points, and then let/encourage the trusted person to share where they're at, what's going well, what they're struggling w, etc. This is where our response & attitude comes in too: We gotta go our best to respond as coaches, rather than taskmasters. We gotta control our own attitude and offer support, encouragement, and coaching as best we can)
The line that trust is earned but also given is the whole thing. I run group mentoring for boys at KB Foundation in Philadelphia, and I watch this exact cycle with parents and with new mentors. The boys who grow fastest are the ones an adult trusted slightly before they had proven it. The car story is not negligent parenting, it is the most efficient teacher your son could have hired, and it cost him half a used car.
"The boys who grow fastest are the ones an adult trusted slightly before they had proven it." -- Love it!