What Pulling Weeds Taught Me About Raising Boys
Building Boys Bulletin 5-26-25
I’ve been thinking about roots lately.
It’s partly because I’ve been gardening & partly because I recently attended the dedication of a historical marker, commemorating a town that no longer exits.
I attended because my husband and I both have deep family roots in Fussville, a never-incorporated community that began as a settlement of German Catholic farmers. His dad grew up there, as did his dad’s dad and his dad’s dad’s dad before that. My husband even lived the first six years of his life in the area.
My mom’s mom and dad both grew up in Fussville as well. And my parents got married at the local Catholic church, the one built by the sacrifices and labor of our ancestors.
A priest who served that church spoke at this week’s dedication event, while a slideshow featuring the names and faces of Fussville residents played on a loop. I didn’t recognize many faces, but so many of the names were familiar - because those names are scattered across my family tree.
In small communities, dual relationships between families were common. Brothers from one family married sisters from another. The same person might be both your uncle and your cousin. This criss-crossing of family lines created strong connections & encouraged residents to work for the common good. After all, family roots were quite literally entangled and enmeshed.
Roots Make Us Strong
I thought of all that this morning, as I pulled up grass that encroached on my flower bed. We’ve had rain recently, so it was relatively easy to pull the clumps of grass. But the first tug pulled up not just grass but a big swath of landscaping fabric; the grass roots had grown into and through the fabric.
As I pulled, I realized how interconnected grass is. Each blade, each clump, is connected to the rest via a tangle of interconnected roots. This tangle creates a secure base, anchoring the grass in place.
Suddenly, the words we use to describe our family connections to a place — “we have roots in the area” — made so much more sense. My family, my husband’s family, all the other families in that place created a tangle of connections that provided a solid foundation for community.
Boys Need Roots Too
Most of us don’t live in communities of inter-connected families anymore — and I think that literal rootlessness may be one cause of our current crisis of disconnection, mistrust, and loneliness. We are not cross-connected in meaningful ways, & when we are not, we tend to care less about what happens to our neighbors. And our neighbors care less about what happens to us.
You’ve heard about the male loneliness epidemic. You know that most boys feel disconnected from school and that men are increasingly disconnected from the workforce and community at large. And you know that the male suicide rate is alarmingly high.
Our boys need roots to hold them. To give them a secure base. Our boys need connections to support and nourish them — and we need others to connect to our boys, because those who are connected tend to work toward mutual flourishing.
None of us can single-handedly solve the boy crisis or male loneliness epidemic. But each of us can take steps to strengthen boys’ root systems. Encourage (& support) boys’ relationships with others — with coaches, mentors, teachers, neighbors, cousins, younger children, you name it. Nurture and fertilize those relationships, even if it means driving him somewhere or dealing with a few of your own fears. Cultivate your relationships with boys and young men as well; welcome, encourage, and spend time with boys who aren’t your own.
Each connection provides additional strength. It is much easier to uproot a boy or man with only one (or a few) connections. It is extremely difficult to uproot a boy or man who is solidly held in connection.
Here’s to building boys!
Jen
P.S. If you enjoyed this post & aren’t yet a paid subscriber, will you please consider upgrading to a paid subscription? I’m currently running a 25% off sale through the end of the month.
IN THE NEWS
I Founded Girls Who Code. Now I’m Worried About Boys.
Highlights:
“I spent years teaching girls to be brave, not perfect. But I barely considered how we need to teach boys to be soft, not just stoic. To connect, not control. To imagine a version of manhood where strength requires empathy, vulnerability, and care.”
“The biggest problem we face right now isn’t just climate, healthcare, or AI ethics—it’s disconnection.”
“We need to tell our boys that the loudest voices with the simplest answers are often the most dangerous.”
Boys are Struggling in School. What Can Be Done?
Highlights:
“One positive shift is a growing awareness among educators that traditional schooling methods may not serve boys as well as girls. However, this has not yet translated into widespread policy changes or structural reforms in education.”
“Gender equity should mean looking at the challenges faced by both genders, not just one.”
“Schools must recognize and address the developmental and motivational differences between boys and girls rather than expect them to fit into the same mold.”
What Ryan Gosling Dance Memes Say About Masculinity
Highlight:
“Thirty years later boys are still under-represented in dance.”
The Two Problems with Netflix’s Adolescence
Highlights:
“This show will operate for many as another tool of exaggeration to instill fear and incite more control over our teens.”
“The reality is that some parents do need to pay more attention to their kids…However, parents who are already worried about their children’s digital lives (most of us) do not need this level of hyperbolic fear.”
“We need a more nuanced view of how to approach parenting and technology. This show worked against that nuance and fed the ravenous beast of fear in parenting.”
“Instead of latching onto a vision of the modern teenager as a wild, rebellious, phone-addicted, anxious mess incapable of agency and independence, we need to expand the lens to see the whole of this generation – their struggle and their strengths.”
Highlights:
“While gaming itself isn’t inherently harmful, unhealthy gaming habits – characterised by imbalance and lack of moderation – can seriously undermine a young man’s well-being.”
“Esports introduces structured teamwork to gaming, often resembling traditional sports through teams, coaches, schedules, and rules. This added structure and social context may be key in turning gaming into a more positive, growth-oriented activity for young men.”
“It’s not about quitting games but changing how they’re played – ensuring gaming supports physical activity, mental health, and real-world connections.”
Why Donald Trump & the Right Have Already Lost the Support of Young Male Voters
Highlights:
“It’s not so much that they’re falling into extremism – it’s that they’re falling out of belief in the world around them.”
“’Entrepreneur’ is now the most admired profession among young men, ranking above athletes and musicians.”
“In reality, the values young men admire most are often rooted in responsibility to others.”
Highlights:
“Many boys and men said they were worried others would think they were gay if they disclosed being abused or assaulted”
“In many cases, boys and men who tried to tell others about their sexual trauma were met with stigmatising and unhelpful responses. Some were blamed, told they were making it up, or even mocked.”
“Boys and men who were assaulted by women were often told their experiences can’t be classified as abuse or assaults, or aren’t bad enough to warrant support.”
“Helping boys and men disclose sexual trauma isn’t just about encouraging them to come forward. We need to make sure other people are prepared to respond safely when they choose to speak up.”
The Brotherhood of Quitting Zyn
Highlights:
“When he tried Zyn at 19, during his first semester of college, it seemed like everyone he saw carried a hockey-puck-sized container of the chalky nicotine pouches: athletes, comedians, his roommate.”
“By the beginning of his sophomore year, he kept a Zyn tucked into his mouth every waking moment except when he was showering, eating or brushing his teeth. Soon, the pleasant buzz faded to dependence.”
“In an age of looksmaxxing and beefier-than-ever influencers, throwing in a lip pillow can seem like a low-effort way to fit in with the guys.”
“Zyn sales rose around 50 percent in the United States last year, to 581 million cans…Around 75 percent of its customers in the United States are male”
Nicotine Pouch & E-Cigarette Use and Co-Use Among U.S. Youths in 2023 & 2024
Highlights:
In 2024, almost 8% of male adolescents reported using nicotine pouches in the past year, compared with roughly 4.5% in 2023
“The typical nicotine pouch–using youth was male, non-Hispanic White, rural, and did not plan to attend a 4-year college”
“The FDA authorized marketing of 20 ZYN flavored nicotine pouch products in January 2025… Meanwhile, dozens of other nicotine pouch brands are being illegally marketed”
Highlights:
“Hands-on practice can be a little embarrassing, but it’s the best way for teens to learn a skill that might save their lives. If they can get comfortable handling, opening, and rolling down a condom in a classroom setting, they are more likely to use a condom correctly when they actually need it.”
“In addition to condoms, boys should become familiar with other common contraceptive methods, like birth control pills and patches, and IUDs. It’s important for boys to understand how they work, how effective they are, and how much effort it takes to use them well.”
The Hidden Health Costs Associated with Legalized Sports Gambling
Highlights:
Most sports betters are young men '“who believe sports gambling is more skill than luck and are highly impulsive.”
“Sports betting is attracting younger participants, too. A study in JAMA Pediatrics of Minnesota middle school and high school students in grades 8, 9, and 11—under the legal age for gambling—found that they most commonly bet on sports and games, even though sports betting is not yet legal in the state.”
What a great post! And I, too, was gardening this weekend so it felt particularly poignant. It was a really well blended piece, first about a small town and the cross pollination of its denizens and then about the strength of roots and when they weave together to make a strong fabric. Very nice -- though it did make me feel very sad for boys.