Why You Haven't Seen My Byline on Any of the "Adolescence" Articles

& why Substack is the best place to see what I really think

An editor I’ve worked with previously put out a call for “Adolescence”- linked essays this week.

She’s looking for essays from parents who are “concerned about the manosphere,” or whose “child did something awful you couldn’t believe.”

Photo by MART PRODUCTION via Pexels

A writer-friend (who happens to also be a “boy mom”) alerted me to the call (& recommended me to the editor — “Jennifer L.W. Fink would be great!!!”) This writer has followed my work for years; she knows I have four boys, she knows about my books & podcast, & she knows this is my area of expertise.

And I’ll be honest with you: I fired off an email to the editor, which included this line, “My 2 cents: Adolescence is spectacularly successful as a show in large part because it taps into our collective fear…” I shared a few more thoughts and the editor rightly responded, “Struggling to see what the pitch is here for an essay? Could you give me a tentative headline and a paragraph on what the essay would touch on?”

My head was admittedly jumbled yesterday — family stuff, work — so I jotted down a few thoughts and told myself I’d think think it over. Let the ideas marinate. Come back with a coherent pitch.

This morning, I realized, I don’t want to. And then I decided: I’m not going to. Here’s why (& what it means for you & this Substack):

What Editors Want

Editors want (& need) provocative stories that draw clicks, shares, and engagement. Publishing is a business, after all, and at this point in the 21st century, the stories/publications that make the most money are those that draw the most eyeballs. Not necessarily the best, most well-reasoned, factual, or contextual stories — those that draw the most eyeballs.

The stories that make the most money are those that draw the most eyeballs. Not necessarily the best, most well-reasonable, factual, or contextual stories.

I am convinced that one of the reasons Adolescence is a huge hit is because it taps into our worst fears. It is literally a vivid illustration of our worst fear.

And as you know: Fear sells. That’s why Jonathan Haidt’s book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, was a big hit & my friend Emily Edlynn’s book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout & Raise Competent, Confident Children, didn’t generate nearly as many sales, headlines, or TV appearances. Haidt’s book title alone suggests & feeds into parental fears — Anxiety! REWIRING! Causing mental illness! And of course, computers/internet/phones/social media — again, things we fear & don’t trust — are the culprit. Never mind the mountains of evidence that challenge/fail to support that presumption…

Personal stories draw readers in as well, which is why personal essays have been so popular for so long. We see ourselves in others’ experiences & feel less alone. That’s powerful! And that’s why the editor I mentioned is commissioning Adolescence-related essays by parents. She wants to showcase articles that bridge the gap between the TV show & the lived lives of parents & teens. And — let’s be honest — she wants to tap into the zeitgeist.

Why I’m Opting Out

I’ve written personal essays before, many of them. I’ve written about my children before. (I started blogging ‘bout them in 2009!) I’ve written about my kids’ experience with masculinity-related topics. But most of that was before — before the internet and social media became what it is today. And before I learned the things I now know.

I have a lot to say about boys, men, masculinity, & even Adolescence, the TV show. (Stay tuned for Monday’s newsletter!) But you won’t see my byline on any big articles about the show & here’s why:

I’m Not Offering My Family as Social Media Fodder

My “boys” are now all adults; their stories are theirs to tell, when & if (& how) they please. And while I wrote a lot about my boys when they were younger, I don’t know that I’d do so again. Even then, me being “out there” — public — on topics related to masculinity and parenting — was uncomfortable to them.

Also: Any one article, book, or post will, by definition, not cover everything I (or any other author) has to say on a particular topic. But put anything out there, and it’s fair game for any to dissect, criticize, or take out of context.

I Don’t Want to Feed the Algorithm

I truly, 100% believe that Adolescence is a distraction from the conversations we really need to be having about boys & men. From the work we need to be doing in our homes & communities. It seized our emotions & has us talking about the internet and social media when we should be loving our boys. I could write & try to publish a story that makes that point, but ultimately, it’d still be feeding the algorithm, keeping Adolescence in the headlines & on parents’ screens. And keeping focus on social media and the manosphere.

I Don’t Want to Profit from Fear

Fear does not make the world a better place. Fear does not make us better parents. Fear keeps us separate and small, and that, I believe, is the exact opposite of what we need.

We NEED nuanced conversations. We need spaces to connect, to share information, to have nuanced conversations. We need spaces and tools to work through our fears and social media and mass media aren’t it.

I’m not going to exploit my family or your fear for a few bucks. I want to share well-reasoned, supported, supportive, and empowering information with you. I want to facilitate connection and positive action. I want to support you, without preying on your worst fears.

BuildingBoys is a place where we can connect and discuss. It’s the place where I can freely share what I’ve learned about raising boys, without having to appeal to an editor and publication’s desire to capitalize on the latest outrage.

That said…this work takes time & expertise. I’ve spent nearly an hour, already, writing this post. That’s an hour I could have (and perhaps should have) spent writing an article for one of my paying healthcare clients. If you value this work — non-fear-based discussions & information about raising boys — please consider financially supporting my work by upgrading to a paid membership, making a donation, or sharing this newsletter with your friends.

Here’s to building boys!
Jennifer