Boys Change When They're Ready - Not When We Are

Jul 14

Why I’m Refocusing Building Boys Bulletin — and Who It’s For Now

Building Boys Bulletin 7-7-25

Jul 07, 2025

You clearly care deeply about boys. And if you’re reading this newsletter, odds are good that you’re raising a boy of your own — & doing everything you can to raise him into a healthy, kind, confident, man.

You are also probably:
👉 tired
👉 unsure
👉 second-guessing yourself
👉 and wondering if you're doing it all wrong.

I see you. I’ve been you.

I’m a mom of four sons. When my first was born — 27 1/2 years ago! — I didn’t know that boys develop at a different pace than females, or that they’re more biologically immature than girls at birth and physiologically vulnerable throughout life. I didn’t know that gender pressure, sexism, & stereotypes affect boys too, and I definitely didn’t know that school is a tough fit for most boys & their parents.

I’ve spent the past 20+ years learning what boys really need. Most of it the hard way! I stumbled & struggled & somehow made it through. My boys are now all young men - & awesome human beings.

I don’t want you to struggle & suffer like I did. I want to make your path easier. And I want to help you help your boys thrive.

What’s changing

Until now, Building Boys Bulletin has been a place for anyone interested in boys — parents, teachers, advocates. And while that work has value, I realized something important:

The people who need this support the most — the people most likely to quietly read, nod, and feel seen — are moms of boys.

Moms who are mystified by their boys’ behavior. Who can’t understand how or why a little boy can go from quietly watching TV to jumping couch-to-couch in less than two seconds flat. Or why boys find fart jokes so funny.

Moms who worry that their sons’ tendency toward “violent” play — stick fighting, wrestling, pretend gun fights — signals violent tendencies.

Moms who feel like their sons are the only ones struggling in school.

Moms who want to raise great guys — without losing their minds, their sons, or themselves.

So…

This newsletter is now specifically for moms of boys.

If you’ve ever:

Worried about your son’s behavior
Gotten “those” phone calls from school
Wondered if your son is falling behind or shutting down
Been told to “be tougher” or “just let him be a boy”
Felt isolated, exhausted, or unsure

This space is for you.

(Don’t worry: If you’re not the mom of a boy, you’re still welcome here. Thank you for supporting me & my work - & for supporting boys!)

Why now?

Because I’m firmly convinced that the best way to build great guys is to support & empower those raising them.

Because you don’t have to time to wait for the culture to shift & change — you’re raising boys now, in a time and place that’s quick to assume boys are problems.

Because you deserve real support, not shame or one-size-fits-all advice.

If any of this resonates with you, please consider forwarding it to another mom of boys. That’s how we grow this space — and build a better world for boys, together.

Thanks for being here.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

P.S.
If this newsletter has helped you feel more confident, more informed, or just less alone — consider becoming a paid subscriber. You’ll get:

Weekly issues in your inbox
Full archive access
Bonus content and printable resources
The chance to ask me parenting questions directly

👉 Upgrade to paid for $5.99/month or $60/year

Want to go a step further and support this work at a higher level?

Founding Members receive:
📘 A signed copy of my book, Building Boys
📩 Weekly content, archives, bonus posts, and more
🧠 Priority access to all upcoming resources and events
💬 A personal thank-you from me
🎯 And the knowledge that you're helping build a better world for boys

👉 Become a Founding Member — $110/year
(Limited to the first 25 supporters)

IN THE NEWS

How to Set Boundaries with Your Son Without Breaking the Bond

Highlights:

“Name the behaviour, not the boy. Say ‘That was unkind,’ instead of ‘You’re being rude.’”
“When your son messes up, do not rush in with correction. Instead, ask ‘What happened?’ and let him talk.”
“Boundaries only work when we lead with love, not frustration.”

Will Boys be Boys?

Highlights:

“The truth is that boys are not less emotional, they are less allowed to be emotional.”
“By the time they reach adolescence, many are fluent in deflection and defensiveness, but emotionally illiterate when it comes to expressing vulnerability. They’re not broken. They’re conditioned.”
“I often hear how boys of colour are misread by authority figures, seen as aggressive instead of assertive, angry instead of afraid.”
“Let’s affirm that a boy who cries is still brave. That a boy who shares is still strong. That emotional intelligence is a survival skill”
“Boys deserve the space to feel, to be messy, to stumble and grow without being policed for every softness or vulnerability they show.”

Young Men Have Pretty Positive Views on Manhood

Highlights:

“The vibe you get right now is that young men are…adopting misogynistic outdated views about gender, masculinity and gender roles. But: it’s mostly not true. And saying that it is will justifiably piss off a lot of young men.”
“It’s important to balance reasonable criticism of online misogyny with some generosity of spirit to the actual views of actual men.”

The Gathering Storm: How Loneliness, Disillusionment, and the “Armed & Ready” Mindset Converge for American Men

Highlights:

“Perhaps most heartbreaking is the widespread sentiment among participants of this study that ‘no one cares if men are okay’. A staggering 57% of the full sample (men and women) agreed with this, with the highest agreement among the youngest men (69% of 18-24 year olds) “
“Studies have found that 59% of boys are led to content promoting negative, often misogynistic content through innocent and unrelated searches due to AI algorithms”

Joe Rogan, Young Men Rave About Testosterone Supplements. But Do They Reduce Sperm Counts?

Highlights:

“More college students are coming into his practice seeking — or already taking — testosterone.”
“The desired benefits of TRT — such as increased sex drive and enhanced fitness — do not unequivocally outweigh the damage TRT can have on men’s fertility.”
“There’s a lot of men who are out there taking testosterone thinking that it's making them more virile, but in fact, the testosterone is telling their testicles to shut off”
“Studies show that patients not meeting the diagnostic criteria for testosterone deficiency are still being prescribed testosterone therapy”

Raising Boys Isn't a Tragedy. It's an Adventure.

Building Boys Bulletin 6-30-25

Jennifer L.W. Fink

Jun 30, 2025

“Who would choose to raise a boy?

They place greater demands on the mother’s body during pregnancy and breastfeeding, ultimately leading to mothers of multiple sons dying earlier. They are harder to potty train, more likely to have behavioral and mental health problems as children, less likely to do well in school, and more likely to engage in substance abuse as teens. And that’s without even delving into the dubious cultures surrounding boy-raising…”

Well, then.

Guess there’s nothing left for me to do but wait to die years earlier than my peers who are moms of girls. And push back on this nonsense!

The Stats Sound Scary—But They Don’t Tell the Whole Story

Look, there are kernels of truth in the pessimistic paragraph (which is found about halfway into this long Independent article about raising boys). Boys are biologically more demanding and vulnerable. On the whole, they’re hard to potty train and more likely to have problems in and outside of school. But negative outcomes are NOT written in the stars, are not a predetermined outcome for boys. Despite the forces arrayed against our boys — and us, the parents of boys — it is entirely possible to raise a great guy and mostly enjoy doing so. (Big emphasis on “mostly,” because there will be tears involved. Yours, & his.)

I didn’t choose to raise a boy. I didn’t choose to raise four boys. In my particular case, I happened to conceive four children who were male. They were born; their dad and I raised them. It was that simple, and yet, we faced anti-male sentiment. We didn’t tell anyone we were having a boy when we were expected Son #4 because we knew well, by then, that we’d encounter condolences and faces of pity. Next to no one is thrilled when you tell them you are expecting a fourth boy.

Why the Way We Talk About Boys Matters

How the $&*(% do we expect our boys and their families to thrive if that’s the world’s attitude? If the mere idea of a boy invites fear, pessimism, doom & gloom?

How do we expect boys and their families to thrive if the mere idea of a boy invites fear, pessimism, doom & gloom?

Our boys deserve better. WE deserve better. And so, I’ll push back against the pessimism. I will remind you, again and again and again, as often as needed, that boys are awesome. That raising boys can be an amazing adventure. And that deliberately pushing aside the doom & gloom and concentrating on the amazing child in front of you — yes, even if the “amazing child” in question is actually sequestered in his room and kinda surly and self-centered — is both the best way to raise a great guy and to enjoy the parenting process.

Eventually, that messy Independent article comes around to the same conclusion: “A lot of raising successful young men involves…approaching parenting boys as a positive, enriching experience, rather than an experience in avoiding worst-case scenarios.”

Told ya so.

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

P.S. I’m curious: What’s the worst thing someone told you about raising boys? Leave a comment & let me know.

IN THE NEWS

Porn Literacy is Everyone’s Business

Highlights:

“What parents don’t often realize is that a lot of pornography finds its way to boys who aren’t looking for it.”
“We need to explain that porn is not representative of real sexual relationships, and that what they watch online is not what he should expect his current or future partner(s) to do.”
“A boy whose only framework for sex is based on his experience with porn is probably not going to know how to enter a healthy physical relationship.”

State of American Men 2023: From Crisis & Confusion to Hope

Highlights:

“In short, boys and men are not all right.”
“65% of men aged 18 to 23 say that ‘no one really knows me well.’”
“Around half of men oppose or question policies to empower women. More than half agree that men ‘have it harder than women’ in the US today”
“Many men perceive their online lives as more meaningful than their offline ones, with nearly half saying that virtual connections are ‘more engaging and rewarding’ than the rest of their lives.”
“The gender gap in morbidity is also related to the way we raise boys in restricted versions of manhood in America.”

I’m a Gender Researcher & This is the Real Reason Women are Stepping Away from Dating & Relationships

Highlights:

“Boys deserve better than a culture that mocks their confusion without showing them a path through it.”
The path forward “begins with both sides recognizing what the other is carrying — and letting go of narratives that cast boys as aggressors before they even reach adolescence”
“We must also rethink what it means to ‘protect,’ as many men I spoke to believed withholding their emotions was a form of care.”

Mental Health Support is Failing Boys & Young Men

Highlights:

“Boys and young men in America are navigating mental health challenges without the support systems they need—not because they're unwilling to seek help, but because the help doesn't look, feel, or function like support to them.”
“The issue isn't indifference. It's invisibility. The systems built to support young people weren't built with boys in mind.”

Unheard Boys, Unmet Needs: Creating Space for Adolescent Boys & Young Men to Thrive

Highlights:

“Improving boys’ and men’s mental health requires collaboration across youth organizations, local communities, and technology partners. Boys are more likely to engage with programs that feel relevant and interest-based.”
“Rather than focusing on what boys ‘lack’ emotionally, adolescent boys and young men want to be seen as whole people with strengths, interests, and potential.”
“While mental health groups and talking groups are good for mental health, I feel it is the lack of purpose that makes most boys think negatively of themselves. I think every young man should have the opportunity to channel their energy into an activity that they truly enjoy…” – teen boy

Real Men Don’t Drink Matcha? These Best Friends Are Challenging Stereotypes by Having a Blast

Highlights:

They are “helping to break down the ‘weird boundaries’ that society puts on men — and Black men, in particular.”
"They're…rewriting a lot of the narratives about what Black men should be, what Black boys should be."

The Radical Act of Seeing Black Men

Highlights:

“We live in a world where Black men are often mischaracterized before they’re ever known. They are labeled before they speak. They are dismissed before they’re heard. That’s not just injustice—it’s erasure.”
“Living in a world that does not make room for your full humanity and where there’s little space to be emotional, imperfect, or honest can feel suffocating.”
“When we make room for men to be whole—soft and strong, logical and emotional, flawed and brilliant—we expand what’s possible for everyone.”

My Summer Success Equation

Building Boys Bulletin 6-23-25

Jennifer L.W. Fink

Jun 23, 2025

Worried about how your son is spending his summer vacation?

Relax. The things you think are a “waste of time” may be helping him prepare for his future.

Consider this:

World of Warcraft (WOW) helped Alfred Jay Iloreta, MD, become a better head and neck surgeon.
…First-person shooter games were among his favorites. He also loved complex strategy games, like WOW, a massive multiplayer online role-playing video game, and Civilization, a turn-based adventure where players lead a civilization from ancient times to the modern era through exploration, diplomacy, and conquest.
He knew those games challenged his brain, but at the time, he didn’t know that he was also building essential surgical skills like hand–eye coordination, visual–spatial perception, situational awareness, and decision-making under pressure. He also didn’t know that he’d one day use modified video game controllers to perform minimally invasive procedures—or don a virtual reality gaming headset to plan surgeries.
“The crossover skillset I got from video games is invaluable,” said Dr. Iloreta, an assistant professor of otolaryngology, neurosurgery, artificial intelligence, and human health at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York. “I’m an endoscopic skull-based surgeon; I operate nearly universally on a camera and screen, in a very complex three-dimensional space, using instruments with joystick-like controllers.”

You can read more in my latest ENT Today article, From Video Game Controllers to ORs: The Surprising Role of Gaming in Modern Medical Practices.

Adults misjudge the utility of kids’ interests

I wrote that article months ago but stumbled across it online today, shortly after reading a Substack Note by a fellow writer concerned about all the kids she saw gaming & on devices at her local library. What will become of these kids, she wondered?

I responded, in part: “They will code video games and apps, communicate & collaborate digitally with humans all around the world, figure out new & innovative uses for AI, and perhaps discover & create new ways to connect…”

It’s an optimistic assessment, to be sure. And almost certainly, not all of those kids will code, work in tech, or lead digital innovations. But many of them WILL, simply by virtue of the fact that the world is moving in that direction.

Adults have long misjudged the utility of kids’ interests & how they spend/“waste” their time. But who are we to say we know, with any kind of certainty, how a child (or any human) should spend their time? Who are we to discount the child’s intuition, interest, and self-knowledge? Or the fact that we really don’t know what the world will be like 20 years from now?

My years of homeschooling & closely observing children taught me two things:

An interest in anything can lead anywhere. Start with butterflies; end up learning about geography. Play WoW; perform surgery. One thing often leads to the next in ways we can’t see at the beginning.
When a child is deeply interested in & engaged with something, they are getting something out of it. I may not see or know what it is, but whatever they are doing, it is feeding something in them in some way.

Summer Success Equation: Benign Neglect + Interests + Work

The New York Times appears to have recently endorsed the idea of “kid rotting” this summer. I hate the term— because “rot” something to avoid and the result of neglect. And because what they term as “kid rotting” (“weeks of unplanned time” in lieu of “high-intensity camps & activities”) is pretty much just “summer” and “normal life” around here.

I know this time of year is hard for working parents. I know we’re all simply trying to survive. So let me help. Use my summer success equation, borne of desperation & lack of resources:

Benign Neglect + Interests + Work = Summer Success

I’ll break it down for you:

Benign Neglect — Do what you gotta do for yourself (work, for instance). Let go of the idea that you are 100% responsible for scheduling your kids’ days. Lower your standards. Give your kids time and space to do…whatever.
Interests — Support & facilitate your kids’ interests. Get them books or supplies as needed. Accept messes (and teach them how to clean up). Say yes more than you say no — even if the “yes” makes you a bit nervous. Real life example: I routinely dropped off kids at a body of water for hours of unattended fishing. (The kids had life jackets & cell phones & were not alone. They were also experienced enough to fish safely independently.) Chapter 5 of my book Building Boys, Help Him Find & Develop His Talents, includes a lot more detail & concrete ideas for support boys’ interests.
Work — The best way to “prepare kids for the real world” is to involve them in the real world as they grow. Let your kids contribute to the work of the house and family. They can cook, clean, and care. They can fix, maintain, and organize. Pro tip: Kids are more likely to be enthusiastic about tasks that align with their interests and are just beyond their current skill set. (Also: complaining about routine, boring tasks is normal. Calmly ignore the complaining & remind them that everyone in a household has to contribute to it’s upkeep.) You can learn more in Chapter 7 of Building Boys, Challenge Him with Chores & Caregiving, & in Chapter 10, Connect Him to the Real World.

Will this equation ensure summer peace & harmony? No. Will it support your kids’ development? Absolutely! Although I stumbled on this equation via a lack of other options, research and science has shown that this approach supports autonomy, skill development, and confidence.

So, stop fighting about video gaming. Relax your expectations, embrace your kids’ interests, involve them in the life & work of the family, & have a good summer!

Here’s to building boys!
Jen

IN THE NEWS

Research Shows Family Movies Stereotype Males as Predators & Females as Vulnerable Prey

Highlights:

A study analyzed nearly 1,900 animal characters from animated children's films: “Even after accounting for an existing bias—where about 75% of all characters were male— it was found that 85% of predator characters were male. In contrast, for female characters, prey outnumbered predators four to one.”
"In the animal world, a predator is no more likely to be a male than female”

Like, Follow, Subscribe: The Digital Narratives Reshaping Young Men’s Ideas About Relationships

Highlights:

“Unlike previous generations who learned about partnerships through family, friends, and direct experience, today's young men increasingly turn to podcasts, social media influencers and online communities for guidance on dating, masculinity, and gender roles.”
“Digital ecosystems are full of contradictions that create confusion… A young man might watch one video encouraging him to share his feelings openly, then immediately see another claiming that emotional expression makes men weak and unattractive.”
“Research found that 67% of young men who consume social media masculinity influencer content believe women should fulfill traditional roles as wives and mothers - compared to just 43% of non-viewers.”
“Young men tell us they want credible dating and relationship information but struggle to find sources that combine this credibility and relatability.”

Centuries-Old Preference for Baby Boys May Be Coming to an End

Highlights:

“Baby boys are increasingly viewed as a burden and girls as a boon”
“Experts have suggested several reasons. Daughters may now be perceived as more nurturing or easier to raise. In China, where male surpluses have created legions of unmarried men, parents may now fear loneliness for their sons.”

The Forgotten Power of Unsupervised Play

Highlights:

“Boys often learn by doing, not by being told. Unsupervised play lets them test, fail, adjust, and master challenges on their own terms.”
“Boys in particular benefit from this rule-making process—they’re not just playing a game, they’re creating social order and testing fairness, leadership, and strategy.”
“Boys are less likely than girls to engage in emotional check-ins or group conversations. But they do sort out status, fairness, and inclusion through physical and active play”
“If we want to raise boys who are confident, connected, and emotionally resilient, then we need to stop managing their play—and start protecting it.

With Men Abandoning Teaching, What’s the Cost to Boys?

Highlights:

“Male teachers were a third of the teaching population in 1988…[Now,] only 23 percent of teachers in K–12 public schools are male”
“Many of my [male] students arrived with poor grades and a list of demerits and suspensions they’d previously received. Despite this, I found that what they often needed was attention, approval, and affirmation.”
“Because there are fewer male teachers, boys are experiencing fewer positive interactions with men…It is increasingly likely that many boys will go through years of education without one compliment from a male teacher.”

One Dad’s Powerful Response to His Son’s Anger is Teaching a Lesson Every Parent Should Hear

Highlights:

“In a culture where we are actively rethinking how to raise emotionally resilient children, Aaron’s quiet but powerful parenting stands as a reminder: boys don’t need to be hardened; they need to be heard.”
“Discipline can be rooted in love. Masculinity can embrace vulnerability.”

Our Schools Have a “Boy Problem” & We Need to Talk About It

Highlights:

“The most notable goal was boosting early literacy…It was a noble goal, but [then] President Bush and the governors overlooked a small but important detail: Girls are ready for early literacy challenges, but boys are not.”
“Boys get thrown horribly off-track by confusing social cues. Are we supposed to be muscle-bound Jason Stathams, mowing down bad guys with punches and kicks, or sensitive Alan Aldas, whispering soothing life lessons to the ladies in his life?”

“You’ve Got to Be Ripped”

Highlights:

“Gender stereotypes make it that much harder to recognize when boys and men are struggling in their relationship to food, exercise, or their body.”
“While most parents would hear alarm bells if their teen daughter started taking diet pills and following a rigid exercise regimen, many wouldn’t raise an eyebrow if their son started using supplement powders and spending hours at the gym.”
“Disordered behaviors—like ‘bulking and cutting,’ having ‘cheat days,’ and (non-religious) fasting—are the norm among many adolescent boys.”
“It’s not just parents and coaches who don’t notice red flags in boys. Even doctors can miss—or even dismiss—glaring symptoms”
“Because stereotypes and stigma lead to delayed diagnoses, boys and men tend to be so much sicker when they do finally get treatment.”
“For parents who want to protect their sons, the most important first step is having this awareness that boys can struggle with eating and negative body image.”
“If your gut tells you something doesn’t seem right with your son, listen—and get support.”

A Manifesto

Building Boys Bulletin 6-16-24

Jennifer L.W. Fink

Jun 16, 2025

The term manifesto has taken on a negative tinge in recent years, thanks to the hate-filled documents left behind by terrorists and mass shooters.

But before the Unabomber (and others) used the word ‘manifesto’ to describe their often angry writings, the word itself wasn’t associated with hate or violence. From the 1900s through to the 1990s, a manifesto was understood to be a public declaration of beliefs or intentions, often associated with political, artistic, or philosophical movements.

That’s the spirit in which I wrote Building Boys Manifesto a number of years ago, back when manifestos were relatively common on blogs and before numerous mass shooters left behind “manifestos” to defend and explain their acts. Not wanting my words (or website) to be associated with violence or hate, I quietly shied away from manifesto. It’s still on my website, but you either have to scroll down to see it or click, & I think most people miss it. I’ve been okay with that. I really don’t want anyone associating me or my website with hate.

But…I stand by every word I wrote back than. The Building Boys Manifesto sums up what I believe, what my website & newsletter explore and explain. Most of you haven’t yet seen it, so I’m sharing it with you today:

Building Boys Manifesto

We Believe:

1. There’s no such thing as a “typical boy”.

All boys are different. So while boys, generally speaking, are prone to movement and risk-taking, we know that’s not true of all boys. We steer away from stereotypes.

2. All boys can succeed.

We define “success” as productive engagement with the world. All boys have something important to contribute to the world.

3. Asking a 5-year-old boy to sit still for most of the day is ridiculous.

Boys, especially young boys, learn best through play, movement and experimentation. Schools that push early academics hurt far more boys than they help.

4. Playing with sticks, swords, and toy guns is absolutely OK.

The research is clear: there is no link between “violent” play and true violence. Pretend weapons play is perfectly healthy and may help boys cope with their fears and feelings.

5. Boys cry too.

You’ll never hear us say, “man up!” in an effort to stifle emotion. For too long, boys and men have been encouraged to hide their feelings. We want to make it OK for boys to feel (and express) their emotions.

6. Understanding boys is the first step toward effectively parenting and educating boys.

Boys are different than girls, and so is their experience of the world. In order to best help our boys, we need to learn all we can about them and their experience.

7. Boys’ interests should be respected.

Too often, boys’ interests are belittled and considered “a waste of time.” But interest in anything can lead anywhere, and that’s as true for video games and sports as it is for Newtonian physics and engineering.

8. Boys deserve the facts about sex. And relationships.

It’s almost impossible to avoid porn in today’s digitally connected world. That’s why it’s more important than ever to provide our boys with accurate information regarding sex, health and contraception, and why it’s absolutely crucial to talk to our boys about love, respect and relationships as well.

9. Most adults are well-meaning.

The vast majority of teachers, coaches, and parents genuinely want to help the kids in their charge. But they don’t all understand boys, and some haven’t confronted or resolved their own issues. Sharing information and working together is more productive in effecting change than blaming and shaming.

10. Building boys will improve the world.

Healthy, confident boys grow into healthy, confident men. Together, we can expand our boys’ opportunities and make a difference for the next generation.

Here’s to building boys!

Jen

IN THE NEWS

What the Diddy Trial Shows Us About Today’s Image of Masculinity

Highlights:

“What is sold to young men as ‘strength’ is really bravado − compensation for unacknowledged feelings of weakness and fears that someone will think, ‘I'm not manly enough.’”
“For the sake of everyone, we need to encourage boys and men to embrace their full humanity.”

Are Boys Sports Declining? Former Pacers Star, Others, Seek Solutions

Highlights:

“Half of boys aged 6 to 17 participated regularly in sports in 2013. But only 41% did in 2023.”
“I think in the Black communities, brown communities, the sense of hope has kind of dissipated,” Miller says. “And I think that's why boys in particular are saying, ‘Hey, there's no reason for me to do this, because it's not going to lead to anything.'”
A problem: “Today, youth coaches seem to link their self-worth with winning a game more than providing kids with an experience.”

The Gender Pay Gap Has Reversed, with Young Women Earing More Than Young Men — So What’s Up with Boys?

Highlights:

“Boys… are nearly twice as likely as girls to be suspended, and more than twice as likely to be excluded…White British boys on free school meals are the worst-performing demographic, according to a parliament research briefing.”
“Tweaking how you view and support boys in school does not need to have a negative impact on the educational performance of girls.”

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